I Miss You, JESUS

Life has been turbulent for me since I went into a hiatus from the church I am in due to family-related issues. (Don't ask why, my family demands me to deem it classified) I still have my two buddies from church who are in my three of four CMSC majors.  They always look for me to help them in their studies. I commend those two: one in the 2nd level of leadership, the other on the 3rd level. Since I was took down from the church leadership, I was like a raft floating in random movement in the open sea.

After my leaders told me that I'm back to square-one, nil, zilch, zero in the church, this started a conviction within me that I am being challenged again in this turning point of my life. Why do I have to start again at zero when I began to realize that this Christian life of mine is not always a box of chocolates? If this downturn of my life is caused by my family disapproval after that second academic failure I had, then why would I dare to convict myself of it? That failure of CMSC130 wasn't because of my seemingly uber-commitment to that church, or the frequent presence in the activities they hold at school, or not because the two teachers teaching that course that semester were strict and demanding (yet generous); it was because I mismanaged myself. I mismanaged myself to be the student God wanted me to be - to be excellent. I created a weak entity within my system that only appeared whenever I wanted to make things right. I created a brittle standpoint to the fact that digital circuits is not just about silicon and conductors; it's all about what's inside of it counts. I made an entry point for the oppressor to damage my reputation as a student who went through a first academic failure in CMSC57.

I made myself a weak armour. Just for me, myself and I.

Because of my selfishness, I began to break down, and suffered the consequences of not "being" a Christian. I didn't attend church services (at this time of posting, it's my 5th month) with lame excuses that "my family won't allow me to" or that "I still have many things to do with them" or that "I need to spend time with them" - even if it's not the cause. My former leader demanded me to "commit with us and stay a leader, or spend time with the family and be seeded down." The latter happened. Coercive yet convicting.

I spent too much energy with them, with only a little space left for my family. I spent times being "drunk with the Spirit" yet being "sober" in front of my family's faces.  I thought, the hierarchy of priorities my  pastor told us (God, Self, Family, Ministry, Work/School) should really be well-balanced. But wait... Ministry before School? I thought I emphasized my family's afterthought that ministry was the cause of my becoming a second-time failure in school.

I really had trouble coping with my new-found living this academic year. My family has to pay the full tuition fee since I had no choice but to hold back renewing my socialized financial assistance due to my insufficient academic load. (Fortunately I managed to gain more, which let me reapply.) When my family demanded me to leave being a dormer (because they argue they would lose much more money on food and other unnecessary expenses such as my rides to church), I had to suffer daily one-and-a-half-hour rides to school, with a little extra money only good for back-and-forth rides from building-to-building. I now live with packed lunch, which now made me happy that I could still eat, thanks to my Mama. Due to my demanding academics, I realized that I sleep less than before, but still wake up at exactly 05:00 AM, reminded that I have to ride to school at 06:30 AM.

I am being left more worried about living the Isko life each and every day.

I still managed to attend an event that a fellow church was conducting. There, I did praise and worship with the LORD, but ended up in guilt, in a realization that I missed singing the songs I used to sing when I attended church services. I realized I began to get drier than ever before. The theme of that event was about letting go, and it made me realize I have to let go of some things.

I knew what they were. I flew them away in a balloon filled with helium.

I still fear for my life because of that night, for I know my family won't approve of this. They will question me of this because I blogged about it. But I know I did the right thing, the thing that God wanted me to do.

I regularly read the numerous Facebook status messages of a friend who now studies in Manila, who went from bland to grand when he received Jesus as his LORD and Saviour. He never stops talking about Him in his Facebook wall. Because He's a graphic artist in heart, he never stopped making graphics about who He is. I commend this friend of mine. I praised God when finally my prayers were answered. I prayed for him when I received Jesus...

...who is now praying for me?

I am now in our school's official student publication. It has become an additional pressure for me, yet it has been fun. I gained new friends from this group of people. But because of circumstances concerning my resources and with my family, I think I could not continue very smoothly in this process. But I know there's a way, but when will it come?

How will I connect people to the story when I have no-one helping me to cover it?

The help I need? Where is it? When is it? What is it? Why it? How will it be? WHO is it?


JESUS, help me. You're the only One I need.

I read a blog post about missing Jesus. It's a simple prayer and I wanted to share it to you:

My sweetest friend and my Lord, I miss our fellowship together.
Remember, the time I use to spend with you? It was so precious.
Everything feels so meaningless without you being bold in my life everyday.
Forgive your child Lord, I love you the same and I will never ever change.
Help me to change my ways Lord as I pick up my faith and take it to higher levels.
Lord, give me wisdom that comes from you, Jesus from your throne.
Help me to pray and so I may be strong in my spiritual muscles.
May I never ever be ashamed of my Father because he is my reason to live.
Lord, I know I can do anything through your power and might.
Jesus, help me to pray more and get into your presence like never before.
Thank-you Jesus for everything you do for me and for keeping me safe from any harm.
I bring all the cares of the world to your throne; let your will be done.
In love with Jesus name!

I tweeted this:

I miss my times of joy with God's Word, times of comfort with God's touch, times of praise in God's presence

...and from out of nowhere, an immediate post came from @versesfrombible afterwards:

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

 There I realized that only Jesus is the one I need now.

I MISS YOU, JESUS. 

I NEED YOU, JESUS.

I LOVE YOU, JESUS.

Your dear child,
 
KENNETH